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Gregory: "What was that?"
Parvus: "I don't know, I was too busy talking to Big Nose."
Man: "I think it was, 'Blessed are the cheesemakers'."
Mrs. Gregory: "What's so special about the cheesemakers?"
Gregory: "Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products."

Brian: "What will they do to me?"
Prisoner: "Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion."
Brian: "Crucifixion?!"
Prisoner: "Yeah, first offense."

Reg: "They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers."
Loretta: "And from our fathers' fathers' fathers."
Reg: "Yeah."
Loretta: "And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers."
Reg: "All right Stan, don't labor the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!"
Brian: "The aqueduct?"
Reg: "What?"
Brian: "The aqueduct?"
Reg: "Oh, yeah yeah they did give us that. That's true."
Terrorist: "And sanitation."
Loretta: "Oh yeah, the sanitation Reg. Remember what the city used to be like."
Reg: "Alright, I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation. The two things the Roman's have done."
Terrorist: "And the roads!"
Reg: "Well obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they. But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the roads..."
Terrorist: "Irrigation?"
Terrorist: "Medicine?"
Terrorist: "Education?"
Reg: "All right, fair enough."
Terrorist: "And the wine?"
Francis: "Yeah, that's something we'd really miss Reg, if the Romans left."
Terrorist: "Public baths?"
Loretta: "And it's safe to walk on the streets at night now, Reg."
Francis: "Yeah they certainly like to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this."
Reg: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"
Brian: "Brought peace?"
Reg: "Oh peace? Shut up!"

Coordinator: "Next. Crucifixion?"
Prisoner: "Yes."
Coordinator: "Good, out of the door, line at the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?"
Prisoner: "Yes."
Coordinator: "Good, out of the door, line at the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?"
Prisoner: "Uh, no freedom."
Coordinator: "What?"
Prisoner: "Freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere."
Coordinator: "Oh, well that's jolly good. Well, off you go then."
Prisoner: "No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really."
Coordinator: "Oh I see, very good, very good."

Brian: "I hate the Romans already!"
Reg: "Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans."
Brian: "I do!"
Reg: "Oh yeah? How much?"
Brian: "A lot!"
Reg: "Alright, you're in."

Prisoner: "Miserable bloody Romans, no sense of humor!"

Reg: "We now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause."

Brian's mother: "Now you listen here! He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

Reg: "We need doers in our movement, Brian. But, before you join us, know this. There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all."
Man: "Uh, well one."
Reg: "Ah, yeah there's one. But otherwise, we're solid! Are you with us?"

Pontius Pilate: "Guard, do we have any crucifixions today?"
Guard: "139 sir. Special celebration, Passover sir."

Brian: "I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be! I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose! I'm kosher mum! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!"

Believer: "Give me your shoe!"