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Shrek:"My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either."
Artie:"Well I doubt he was worse then mine."
Shrek:"Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Now I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth."

Shrek:"Honey, let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry and then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop!"

Prince Charming:"Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!"

Shrek:"Better out then in, I always say."

Shrek:"Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better?!"

Donkey:"How in the Hans Christian Anderson am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?!"
Puss in Boots:"Hey! Hey! Be very careful with those! Hee Haw! They were made in Madrid by the finest Hee Haw!"
Donkey:"Oh you'll learn to control that."

Merlin:"Sure you don't want to try my famous 'rock au gratin'? It's organic!"
Shrek:"Oh thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in."

Student:"For lo' Bro, don't burn all my Frankincense and Myrrh!"

Shrek:"I know you're busy not fitting in, but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur?"

Shrek:"My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit!"

Cheerleader:"Ready?"
Cheerleaders:"Ok! Where for art thou headed? To the top! Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped, nay we thinks not, we thinks not!"

Artie:"Well good friends, it breaks my heart but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby!"
Shrek:"Alright, let's not overdo it."
Artie:"I'm building my city people, on rock and roll!"
Shrek:"You just overdid it."

Captain Hook:"Avast ye cookie!"

Donkey:"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon. 'When you coming home, son?' I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad!"
Shrek:"Donkey!"

Donkey:"Look, nobody said it was going to be easy, but at least you got us to help you out."
Shrek:"That's true. I'm doomed."

Donkey:"Yeah you better run, you little punk no good niks! Because the days of 'little donkey dumpy drawers' are over!"

Snow White:"Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down thy golden extensions!"

Puss in Boots:"It's out of my hands senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you, and you. Oh hi, I don't know you, but I'd like to."

Donkey:"I know, I know, everything is a little fruity in the loops right now, but what happened is, we went to high school, and the boat crashed, and we got bippity boppity booped by the magic man!"

Lancelot:"So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun?"
Shrek:"ho ho ho giant mutant leprechaun.... you made a funny."

Donkey:"They grow up so fast."
Shrek:"Not fast enough."

Shrek:"You want some eggs with that ham?"

Prince Charming:"Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers! There are two sides to every story, and our side has not been told! So, who will join me?! Who wants to come out on top for once?! Who wants their happily ever after?!"

Merlin:"Proper head case you are, aren't you. Really messed up."

Artie:"Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster whose trying to relate to me!"
Shrek:"Artie, Artie wait."

Donkey:"What in the 'Shistershire' kind of place is this?!"
Shrek:"Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school."

Doris:"I know he's a jerk and everything, but I got to admit. That Charming makes me hotter than July."

Donkey:"You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!"

Artie:"You know what, why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone!"
Shrek:"Oh is that some kind of crack about ogres?! You get your royal highness to far far away before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking?!"
Merlin:"I could tell you, but since your in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible."
Shrek:"Self-destructive rage? Look, are you going to help us or not?!"
Merlin:"Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul!"
Shrek:"Yeah I don't think so."
Merlin:"Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Whaaaaaa!"
Shrek:"Alright, alright, journey to the soul."

Prince Charming:"I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new king of Far Far Away!"
Gingy:"The only thing you're ever going to be king of is King of the Stupids!"

Artie:"Whoa, this is going to be huge! Parties, princesses, castles, princesses!"
Donkey:"It's going to be great Artie! You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around, waiting for you to place your order!"
Puss in Boots:"Fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters."
Artie:"Oh yeah? What do they do?"
Puss in Boots:"They taste the food before the king eats, to make sure it's not poisoned."
Shrek:"Or too salty."
Donkey:"Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards."
Artie:"Bodyguards?"
Puss in Boots:"All of them, willing at a moments notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you."
Artie:"Really?"
Puss in Boots:"The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance."
Donkey:"Just make sure they don't die of famine."
Puss in Boots:"Or plague."
Donkey:"Oh, plague is bad."
Puss in Boots:"The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores."
Shrek:"Oh ho ho, festering sores. You are one funny kitty cat!"

Shrek:"Listen Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight tripping just say, 'Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're getting on my last nerve'. And then I'll know it's, then I'll know it's wack!"

Shrek:"We're here for the mascot contest too."
Man:"This is a costume?"
Shrek:"AYYYYEE! Worked on it all night long!"
Man:"Looks pretty real to me."
Puss in Boots:"If it were real, could I do this?"
Shrek:"OWWW!"
Donkey:"Or this?"
Shrek:"OWWWW! If it were real, that would've been agonizingly painful."
Donkey:"Now watch this!"
Shrek:"That's quite enough boys!"

Shrek:"You know, it may be hard to believe, what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you, and you just trust in who you are."

Donkey:"Good morning! Good morning! The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning to you! And you! And you!"

Shrek:"Good morning."
Princess Fiona:"Good morning. Oh, morning breath."
Shrek:"I know, isn't it wonderful."

Shrek:"When have you ever heard the phrase 'as sweet as an ogre', or 'as nurturing as an ogre', or how about 'you're going to love my dad, he's a real ogre'."

Cheerleader:"So then I was all like, 'I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden then go out with you'."

Puss in Boots:"Pray for mercy from Puss!"
Donkey:"And Donkey!"

Donkey:"Wor-ces-ter-shireey? Now that sounds fancy!"
Shrek:"It's Worcestershire"
Donkey:"Like the sauce?"

Prince Charming:"This was supposed to be my happily ever after!"
Shrek:"Well I guess you need to keep looking."

Donkey:"Alright people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dynamite!"
Pinocchio:"I thought we agreed we'd go by the name of Team Super Cool."
Gingy:"As I recall, it was Team Awesome."
Bad Wolf:"I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron."
Donkey:"Alright, alright, alright! From hence forth, we are to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron!"

Prince Charming:"Why they call you an ugly step-sister, I'll never know."

Princess Fiona:"A couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect."
Shrek:"Oh you had me at vermin filled."

Cheerleader:"This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vexes her so soothly, and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something."
Shrek:"Uh, excuse me?"
Cheerleader:"It's like, whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff."

Ugly Step Sister:"What do you want, Charming?"
Prince Charming:"Oh not much. Just a chance at redemption, and a fuzzy navel."

Donkey:"I'm already feeling nauseas of memories of wedgies and swirlies!"
Puss in Boots:"But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants."
Donkey:"Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that!"

Merlin:"Greetings cosmic children of the universe! Welcome to my serenity circle! Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare...."

Prince Charming:"So tell me puppet, where is Shrek?"
Pinocchio:"Well, I don't know where he's not."
Prince Charming:"You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?"
Pinocchio:"It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect."
Prince Charming:"So you do know where he is!"
Pinocchio:"On the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably..."
Prince Charming:"Stop it!"
Pinocchio:"...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't."